We apologise in advance if you’re a lawyer. These lawyer jokes do not mean to offend anyone who is a part of this prestigious profession. Simply read this article for laughs.
Here are the 13 funniest lawyer jokes you’ll ever read on the internet.
1. A man calls a criminal lawyer and inquires, “How much would you charge for just answering three easy questions?”
“One thousand dollars,” the attorney responds.
The man says, “A thousand dollars!” Isn’t that really pricey?
“Absolutely,” the attorney responds. “What is your third question now?”
2. One day, a priest received a haircut from a barber. When the priest tried to pay for the haircut, the barber declined, saying, “You do God’s work.” The barber awoke the following morning to discover 12 bibles at the entrance to his business. When a police officer went to the barber for a haircut, the barber once again refused to accept payment, saying, “You protect the public.” The barber awoke the following morning to discover a dozen doughnuts outside his shop. When a lawyer went to the barber for a haircut, the barber once again declined to accept payment, saying, “You serve the justice system.” Twelve lawyers were waiting for a free haircut when the barber arrived the following morning.
3. A defendant in a high-value lawsuit was speaking with his attorney. “I’ll be destroyed if I lose this case.” The attorney answered, “Now it’s up to the judge.”
“Would sending the judge a box of cigars be helpful?” asked the defendant.
“Oh no! This judge is quite particular about moral conduct. Such a prank would make him have negative feelings about you. Even worse, he might declare you in contempt of court. You shouldn’t even grin at the judge, in fact,” advised the lawyer.
A judgment in favor of the defendant was eventually made by the judge. “Thanks for the advice about the cigarettes,” the prisoner thanked his attorney as he left the courtroom.
“It succeeded! If we had, I’m confident we would have lost the case.”
“But I did send them,” confessed the defendant. “What?” “You did?” the lawyer asked, perplexed. “Yes. That’s how we won the case. “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.
“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but I also enclosed the plaintiff’s business card,” said the defendant.
4. When a client was accused of breaking into a home, his attorney came up with this clever defense: “My client only slipped his arm into the window and removed a few little items. I don’t see how you can penalize the full person for an offense committed by his limb, as his arm is not himself.” The judge gave a “Well put” response.
“By your reasoning, I impose a one-year prison term on the defendant’s arm. He is free to go along with it or not,” ruled the judge.
The accused grinned. He took off his prosthetic limb with the aid of his attorney, set it down on the bench, and left.
5. Two armed thieves suddenly barge into a bank where two lawyers are present. The other robber lines the customers, including the attorneys, up against a wall and continues to steal their wallets, watches, and other valuables while the first thief takes the money from the tellers.
The first lawyer shoves something into the other’s hand. “What is this?” the latter asks without looking. “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
6. A man entered the local chamber of commerce in a tiny town, clearly in need. Is there a criminal lawyer in town, the stranger inquires as he notices a man working at the counter. “Yeah, but we can’t prove that yet,” the counter employee promptly remarked.
7. A personal injury lawyer was on vacation in a small rural town. While walking through the streets, he spotted a car that had just been involved in an accident. As expected, a large crowd gathered. The lawyer was eager to help the injured, but he couldn’t get close enough to the car. Being very clever, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.” The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
8. A young attorney just beginning his solo business was eager to make a good impression on potential customers. “I’m sorry, but my caseload is so heavy that I won’t be able to look into your situation for at least a month,” he said, picking up his phone as soon as he saw the first visitor enter through the door. “Then I’ll have to respond to you.” ”
“Then, what can I do for you?” He asked the man who had just entered the room.
“Nothing,” the man answered. “I’m here to connect your phone, please.”
9. A woman interrupted a group of diners who were blaming attorneys for all of America’s problems by saying, “They aren’t all that horrible. Why, a lawyer paid me $1,000 last year.” The host replied, “I don’t believe it.”
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case, and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal, and so on, my bill was $41,000.” “When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
10. How can you make a team of personal injury lawyers smile for a photo?
Just say “fees.”
11. “I have some good news and some terrible news,” the criminal defense attorney informs the defendant.
The defendant queries, “What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that the crime scene is covered in your blood, and DNA testing has proven your guilt.” says the attorney.
“What’s the positive news?” poses the defendant.
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
12. In front of a casket holding the body of an old friend, a banker, a lawyer, and a used car dealer gathered. One of the three, in his anguish, added, “In my family, we have a ritual of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.” They all felt that this was the proper course of action. Both the car salesperson and the banker placed a $100 bill inside the coffin. With the bills in hand, the attorney wrote a $300 check.
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13. A man walked into a pub, sat down, and ordered a double scotch after reaching into his shirt pocket. A little while later, the man ordered another double while once again reaching into his pocket. Following this pattern for a while, he eventually told the bartender that he’d had enough after checking his pocket.
“I’ve got to ask you what’s with the pocket business,” the bartender asked.
“I have pictures of my lawyer in there,” the man retorted. “I’m done when he starts to appear sincere.”
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