Nairobi Estates security guards, aka sojas, have distinct traits that make them stand out and execute their jobs to perfection.
Here are 10 funny character traits of Nairobi sojas.
1. Smiling at the soja as he opens the door for you can mean you owe him KSh 50 during exit. So think before you unleash that smile or greeting, as they could cost you a soda.
2. They are certified ‘chai connoisseurs (gossip) and, as such, know most secrets of estate residents. This is to say, they can tell which family is struggling financially and who is cheating on their spouse. Of course, this gossip will be rendered to you at a fee.
3. They service your househelps at the vacated basement houses. I remember how a clever soja turned a vacated apartment unit into a mammogram centre in one of the vacated basement apartments where I stayed.
The soja would sneak from the guardhouse during night duty to go service thirsty house househelps. He was only caught after his colleagues reasoned he was having too much fun. To cut the long story short, the caretaker caught the clever guard red-handed conducting a mammogram with bare hands on a ‘patient’ who dashed into darkness upon hearing approaching footsteps.
4. Most of the sojas would want to approach the single women in the estate but have no guts to do so. Therefore, they resort to having the said women as their gossip mates with the hope the women will one day initiate romance themselves.
5. Some of the sojas devour highly nutritious meals on your bill. Well, it happens that a househelp in love would do anything to please a guard she is eyeing or who services her. In one of the estates where I was staying, I remember how a working-class woman got agitated upon learning that one of the sojas was ordering her house help to “gonga mayai sita” for him.
6. Some Nairobi Estates sojas passed their math exams better than you. Some had As and Bs in physics and chemistry. Therefore, that soja you see with unusually polished mannerisms could be a university dropout. Some of the sojas find themselves in the job due to the poor background they hail from.
7. Some sojas can be nasty if they sense disrespect. From hurling demeaning words, spreading false gossip about you, or turning away your visitors, that’s how the average Nairobi soja ensures you suffer for any disrespect towards them. On the other hand, treat them with respect and they will break rules for you.
8. They maintain a good cheer despite meagre earnings of as little as KSh 10,000 per month. Well, you could be scratching your head because of the ever-rising bills. As such, you have no choice but to turn to reliable ‘development partners’ like Tala App for cheap and affordable mobile loans. Apart from reasonable interest calculated daily, the goodness with Tala mobile loans is the guard will never get to hear about it even if you were late for payment by a few days.
9. Nairobi Estates sojas are truly appreciative when you give them a token during Easter, Christmas and such holidays. But just ensure you give them a voucher plus money, as money only might mean spending everything for a fun session for the estate’s house help.
10. They can last in bed longer than your average twenging husband. Well, this again is courtesy of the grapevine from house househelps. The unga wa kisiagi diet mingled with intermittent fasting ensures the sojas maintain a fairly good show in between the sheets.
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